Schrödinger's Royal Charter

Something more lighthearted from my regular contributor.

A constituent enters the PM's office...

Mr Constituent: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(no response.)

Mr. Constituent: 'Ello, Ed Balls?

PM: What do you mean "Ed Balls"?

Mr. Constituent: I'm sorry, I have a bad back. I wish to make a complaint.

PM: We're closed for summer recess and the silly season.

Mr. Constituent: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about that there Royal Charter what I was promised not a year ago from this very cross-party agreement.

PM: Oh yes, the, uh, the Red, Yellow and Blue Charter...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Constituent: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

PM: No, no, 'e's uh,...it's resting.

Mr. Constituent: Look, matey, I know a dead Charter when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

PM: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable thing, the Royal Charter idn'it, ay? Beautiful vellum!

Mr. Constituent: The vellum don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

PM: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

Mr. Constituent: All right then, if it's restin', let's wake it up! 

(shouts at the vellum) 'ELLO, Royal Charter! 'ELLO? I've got a lovely fresh red wax seal for you if you ...

(PM hits the shelf)

PM: There, it bounced!

Mr. Constituent: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the shelf!

PM: I never!!

Mr. Constituent: Yes, you did!

PM: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Constituent: (yelling and hitting the shelf repeatedly) 'ELLO, ROYAL CHARTER!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your one year on alarm call!

(takes Charter off the shelf and thumps it on the desk. throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor in a cloud of dust.)

Mr. Constituent: Now that's what I call a dead Royal Charter.

PM: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Constituent: STUNNED?!? We're all bleedin' well STUNNED!

PM: Yeah! it got stunned by PressBOF's alternative Charter just as it was wakin' up! Royal Charters stun easily, y'know.

Mr. Constituent: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Royal Charter is definitely deceased and when I was promised it not but a year ago, you assured me that its total lack of energy was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged Leveson Inquiry.

PM: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the Privy Council

Mr. Constituent: PINING for the PRIVY COUNCIL?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? look, why did it start gathering dust the minute that Leveson bloke clocked orf?

PM: Yer Royal Charter process is supposed to gather dust! Remarkable archaic process id'nit, squire? Lovely vellum!

Mr. Constituent: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Royal Charter and I discovered the only reason that it's been sitting on thatm helf gathering dust all this time is that you NAILED it there.

(pause)

PM: Well, o'course I nailed there! If I hadn't hammered that Charter down, it would have made the Chipping Norton summer fete a bit tense, lit the blue touch paper... quite a temper y'know... VOOOOM!

Mr. Constituent: "VOOOOM"?!? mate, this Charter wouldn't make anybody "voooom" if you poured Andy Hayman's champagne bar bill through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

PM: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Constituent: 'E's not PINING! 'e's hit the skids! This Royal Charter is no more! It has ceased to be! e's been tippexed out! 'e's deleted like a News International email! Bereft of life, 'e's with Benjy the Bin! 'is democratic consensus processes are now 'istory! 'e' off the radar! 'e's kicked into the long grass, 'e's permanently out of print, e's stamped 'return to sender'!! e's gathering dust on the second shelf of an academic's bookcase!! THIS IS AN EX-ROYAL CHARTER!!

(pause)

PM: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the desk) Sorry squire, I've had a look round the back and uh, we're right out of Royal Charters.

Mr. Constituent: I see. I see, I get the picture...

PM: I got a Press Complaints Commission.

(long pause)

Mr. Constituent: Pray, ..... does it bite?

PM: Nnnnnnnot really.

Mr. Constituent: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT THEN, IS IT?!!???!!?

PM: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Constituent: Well?

(pause)

PM: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to share a taxi up the Old Bailey to watch the Andy Coulson trial?

Mr. Constituent: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.