The Argument Hashtag

A humourous post from my regular contributor.

A newbie walks into Twitter.


Mr Newbie: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

Twitter: Certainly sir. that's what we're here for.

Mr Newbie:  This is my first time on Twitter.

Twitter:  I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument?

Mr Newbie:  Umm, what would be the cost?

Twitter:  Well, It's 6 tweets for a five minute tiff, or all day for the 'Full Dacre' as we call it.

Mr Newbie:   I think it's probably best if I start with the tiff and then see how it goes from there, okay?

Twitter:  Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.

(Pause)

Twitter: (mutters to self) ...he's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try here, on the Leveson hashtag.

Mr Newbie: Thank you. (wanders into Twitter)



Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Mr Newbie:  Ummm... Well, I was told that...

Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Mr Newbie: What?

Angry man: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

Mr Newbie: *innocent face*  But I came here for a civilised argument!!

Angry man:  OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!

Mr Newbie: Oh! Oh I see!

Angry man:  Aha! No, you want the press Chablis Bar, next door.

Mr Newbie:  Oh...Sorry...

Angry man: Not at all!

Angry man:  (under his breath) Stupid git.



(Mr Newbie goes into #ChilledChablis)

Mr Newbie: Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr Hack1:  I've told you once, you can't come in here.

Mr Newbie  No you haven't!

Mr Hack1: Yes I have.  Members only.

Mr Newbie: Members...?

Mr Hack2: Members ONLY.  Entry only if you've worked on tabloids, man and boy, fifty three years plus, sub-ed, freelance, back bench....

Mr Newbie: No you didn't tell me that!

Mr Hack3: Yes we did!  It's in the Editors' Code, everybody knows that. Ee, those were the days...

Mr Newbie:  Aha!  I see!  I'm in the 3 Yorkshiremen hashtag by mistake, aren't I!

Mr Hack1:  No you're not!

Mr Newbie:  Yes, I am!

Mr Hack2:  No, you're not!

Mr Newbie:  Yes, I AM!


(wanders off to the Leveson hashtag)

Mr Newbie: Is this the Leveson hashtag, please?

Mr Clever-Clogs:  It might be... but we're having an existential crisis of Sartre-ian proportions, so we don't quite....

Mr Newbie:  No you're not!

Mr Clever-Clogs:  Yes we are!

Mr Newbie: No you're not! I can see you're having a civilised debate on press regulation and...

Mr Blackand-Whyte:  That's enough... time's up!

Mr Newbie: Eh?? No, it isn't!

Mr Blackand-Whyte:  Yes, it is!  Unless you commit to the Full Dacre for the rest of the day, you'll have to leave.

Mr Newbie: OH. Oh, I get it... count me in!

Mr Steering-Group:  However, this remains a Charter written by politicians, imposed by politicians and controlled by politicians. It has not been approved by any of the newspapers or magazines it seeks to regulate.

Mr Newbie:  Ah, that's better..... No, it isn't! (smiles)

Mr Steering-Group: Yes it is!

The Right Hon Mr Authority-Figure MP:  A free press was one of the things that distinguished us from authoritarian regimes. Now we abandon it without a shot being fired in anger.

Mr Newbie: No it hasn't!!

Mr Cheesed-Off:  Sick of cries about our “free press” from national newspapers, whose handful of proprietors often don’t even pay UK taxes. #Leveson

Mr Mike Giggler:  He would say that, wouldn't he!!!!

Mr Newbie:  Now look, this isn't an argument!

(pause)

All:  Yes it is!

Mr Newbie:  No it isn't!

(pause)

Mr Newbie:  It's just contradiction!

All:  No it ISN'T!

Professor Philosophiser:  Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

Mr Blackand-Whyte: Not necessarily... I might be contradicting in my spare time.

Mr Newbie:  (exasperated) No, you aren't!

Lord Justice Leveson:  Don't look at me.  i am not prepared to argue about it -  I'm just an adjective.

Mr Newbie: NO, YOU'RE NOT!

HULKSPINMEISTER:  DACREPOOS! YEH, YOU!  STEP OUTSIDE AND FIGHT!  #COWARD #MAIL #DACRE  #BAGPIPES #SMASH



Mr Newbie exits Twitter.  #facepalm