A humourous post from my regular contributor.
A newbie walks into Twitter.
Mr Newbie: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Twitter: Certainly sir. that's what we're here for.
Mr Newbie: This is my first time on Twitter.
Twitter: I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument?
Mr Newbie: Umm, what would be the cost?
Twitter: Well, It's 6 tweets for a five minute tiff, or all day for the 'Full Dacre' as we call it.
Mr Newbie: I think it's probably best if I start with the tiff and then see how it goes from there, okay?
Twitter: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.
Twitter: (mutters to self) ...he's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try here, on the Leveson hashtag.
Mr Newbie: Thank you. (wanders into Twitter)
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Mr Newbie: Ummm... Well, I was told that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Mr Newbie: What?
Angry man: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
Mr Newbie: *innocent face* But I came here for a civilised argument!!
Angry man: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Mr Newbie: Oh! Oh I see!
Angry man: Aha! No, you want the press Chablis Bar, next door.
Mr Newbie: Oh...Sorry...
Angry man: Not at all!
Angry man: (under his breath) Stupid git.
(Mr Newbie goes into #ChilledChablis)
Mr Newbie: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Hack1: I've told you once, you can't come in here.
Mr Newbie No you haven't!
Mr Hack1: Yes I have. Members only.
Mr Newbie: Members...?
Mr Hack2: Members ONLY. Entry only if you've worked on tabloids, man and boy, fifty three years plus, sub-ed, freelance, back bench....
Mr Newbie: No you didn't tell me that!
Mr Hack3: Yes we did! It's in the Editors' Code, everybody knows that. Ee, those were the days...
Mr Newbie: Aha! I see! I'm in the 3 Yorkshiremen hashtag by mistake, aren't I!
Mr Hack1: No you're not!
Mr Newbie: Yes, I am!
Mr Hack2: No, you're not!
Mr Newbie: Yes, I AM!
(wanders off to the Leveson hashtag)
Mr Newbie: Is this the Leveson hashtag, please?
Mr Clever-Clogs: It might be... but we're having an existential crisis of Sartre-ian proportions, so we don't quite....
Mr Newbie: No you're not!
Mr Clever-Clogs: Yes we are!
Mr Newbie: No you're not! I can see you're having a civilised debate on press regulation and...
Mr Blackand-Whyte: That's enough... time's up!
Mr Newbie: Eh?? No, it isn't!
Mr Blackand-Whyte: Yes, it is! Unless you commit to the Full Dacre for the rest of the day, you'll have to leave.
Mr Newbie: OH. Oh, I get it... count me in!
Mr Steering-Group: However, this remains a Charter written by politicians, imposed by politicians and controlled by politicians. It has not been approved by any of the newspapers or magazines it seeks to regulate.
Mr Newbie: Ah, that's better..... No, it isn't! (smiles)
Mr Steering-Group: Yes it is!
The Right Hon Mr Authority-Figure MP: A free press was one of the things that distinguished us from authoritarian regimes. Now we abandon it without a shot being fired in anger.
Mr Newbie: No it hasn't!!
Mr Cheesed-Off: Sick of cries about our “free press” from national newspapers, whose handful of proprietors often don’t even pay UK taxes. #Leveson
Mr Mike Giggler: He would say that, wouldn't he!!!!
Mr Newbie: Now look, this isn't an argument!
All: Yes it is!
Mr Newbie: No it isn't!
Mr Newbie: It's just contradiction!
All: No it ISN'T!
Professor Philosophiser: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Blackand-Whyte: Not necessarily... I might be contradicting in my spare time.
Mr Newbie: (exasperated) No, you aren't!
Lord Justice Leveson: Don't look at me. i am not prepared to argue about it - I'm just an adjective.
Mr Newbie: NO, YOU'RE NOT!
HULKSPINMEISTER: DACREPOOS! YEH, YOU! STEP OUTSIDE AND FIGHT! #COWARD #MAIL #DACRE #BAGPIPES #SMASH
Mr Newbie exits Twitter. #facepalm