Thursday 24 October 2013

The Argument Hashtag

A humourous post from my regular contributor.

A newbie walks into Twitter.


Mr Newbie: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

Twitter: Certainly sir. that's what we're here for.

Mr Newbie:  This is my first time on Twitter.

Twitter:  I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument?

Mr Newbie:  Umm, what would be the cost?

Twitter:  Well, It's 6 tweets for a five minute tiff, or all day for the 'Full Dacre' as we call it.

Mr Newbie:   I think it's probably best if I start with the tiff and then see how it goes from there, okay?

Twitter:  Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.

(Pause)

Twitter: (mutters to self) ...he's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try here, on the Leveson hashtag.

Mr Newbie: Thank you. (wanders into Twitter)



Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Mr Newbie:  Ummm... Well, I was told that...

Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Mr Newbie: What?

Angry man: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

Mr Newbie: *innocent face*  But I came here for a civilised argument!!

Angry man:  OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!

Mr Newbie: Oh! Oh I see!

Angry man:  Aha! No, you want the press Chablis Bar, next door.

Mr Newbie:  Oh...Sorry...

Angry man: Not at all!

Angry man:  (under his breath) Stupid git.



(Mr Newbie goes into #ChilledChablis)

Mr Newbie: Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr Hack1:  I've told you once, you can't come in here.

Mr Newbie  No you haven't!

Mr Hack1: Yes I have.  Members only.

Mr Newbie: Members...?

Mr Hack2: Members ONLY.  Entry only if you've worked on tabloids, man and boy, fifty three years plus, sub-ed, freelance, back bench....

Mr Newbie: No you didn't tell me that!

Mr Hack3: Yes we did!  It's in the Editors' Code, everybody knows that. Ee, those were the days...

Mr Newbie:  Aha!  I see!  I'm in the 3 Yorkshiremen hashtag by mistake, aren't I!

Mr Hack1:  No you're not!

Mr Newbie:  Yes, I am!

Mr Hack2:  No, you're not!

Mr Newbie:  Yes, I AM!


(wanders off to the Leveson hashtag)

Mr Newbie: Is this the Leveson hashtag, please?

Mr Clever-Clogs:  It might be... but we're having an existential crisis of Sartre-ian proportions, so we don't quite....

Mr Newbie:  No you're not!

Mr Clever-Clogs:  Yes we are!

Mr Newbie: No you're not! I can see you're having a civilised debate on press regulation and...

Mr Blackand-Whyte:  That's enough... time's up!

Mr Newbie: Eh?? No, it isn't!

Mr Blackand-Whyte:  Yes, it is!  Unless you commit to the Full Dacre for the rest of the day, you'll have to leave.

Mr Newbie: OH. Oh, I get it... count me in!

Mr Steering-Group:  However, this remains a Charter written by politicians, imposed by politicians and controlled by politicians. It has not been approved by any of the newspapers or magazines it seeks to regulate.

Mr Newbie:  Ah, that's better..... No, it isn't! (smiles)

Mr Steering-Group: Yes it is!

The Right Hon Mr Authority-Figure MP:  A free press was one of the things that distinguished us from authoritarian regimes. Now we abandon it without a shot being fired in anger.

Mr Newbie: No it hasn't!!

Mr Cheesed-Off:  Sick of cries about our “free press” from national newspapers, whose handful of proprietors often don’t even pay UK taxes. #Leveson

Mr Mike Giggler:  He would say that, wouldn't he!!!!

Mr Newbie:  Now look, this isn't an argument!

(pause)

All:  Yes it is!

Mr Newbie:  No it isn't!

(pause)

Mr Newbie:  It's just contradiction!

All:  No it ISN'T!

Professor Philosophiser:  Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

Mr Blackand-Whyte: Not necessarily... I might be contradicting in my spare time.

Mr Newbie:  (exasperated) No, you aren't!

Lord Justice Leveson:  Don't look at me.  i am not prepared to argue about it -  I'm just an adjective.

Mr Newbie: NO, YOU'RE NOT!

HULKSPINMEISTER:  DACREPOOS! YEH, YOU!  STEP OUTSIDE AND FIGHT!  #COWARD #MAIL #DACRE  #BAGPIPES #SMASH



Mr Newbie exits Twitter.  #facepalm

7 comments:

  1. This is a reinterpretation of a Monty Python skit called "Argument Clinic".

    ReplyDelete
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  3. يتواجد بلدينا الان افضل المميزات والخدمات الان من شركة ابادة حشرات التى لا احد يقدمة الان , كما اننا نقدم افضل الخصومات الان وعلى اعلى سمتوى ممكن من ابادة حشرات

    ReplyDelete
  4. تجهيزات مطاعم تعرف الان على افضل المميزات التى نقدمة الان على اعلى مستوى ممكن من تجهيزات محلات الاننا نقدم افضل انواع تجهيزات سوبر ماركت الان اياض , وباقل الاسعار الممكن فى مصر

    ReplyDelete
  5. تمتع الان معنا مع افضل فير قالان على ىالعلى مستوى ممكن من مركز زراعة شعر التى نقدمة الان , وباقل الاسعار والخصومات المختلةف فى كافة المحافظات من زراعة الشعر الان

    ReplyDelete
  6. يمكنكم الان التوزاصل مع افضل فريق الان فى مصر الان وعلى العى مستوى ممكن صيانة الكتروستار التى لا احد يقوم بتقديمةن اان فى مصر وعلى اعلى مستوى ممكن من رقم الكتروستار الان فى مصر التى نقدمة

    ReplyDelete